Cooling off a hot head

I know I look so calm, cool and collected, right? You would never know I was a total hot head. If you’ve ever got yourself tested on the Enneagram, you might recognize me as an “8” through and through. If I sniff injustice, I’m ready to fight. in fact, I think I’m just in general always ready for a fight. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a highly expressive family where you had to speak up to be heard, but watching my kiddos have mini-blow ups of their own, I think this pattern might have been encoded somewhere in my DNA, and was activated by epigenetics. However I got it, my hot head has gotten me into trouble plenty of times, but it also has gotten me pretty far in life because I do not hesitate to speak my mind. (If I see something wrong, you will hear about it!)

But let’s face it, there comes a time in every strong, black woman’s life when you just have to look in the mirror and acknowledge the vulnerable, girl within. Standing (or usually sitting cross-legged) behind the powerful Warrior-Protector, is a playful, curious spirit Woman-Child. When the Warrior leads, she will find a battle. But if the gentle Woman-Child is allowed to come out and play, she will find that there is so much more to explore. The trouble is that so many of us women, regardless of race/ethnicity have been wounded by our past experiences or had our childhood innocence foreshortened. Those of us who group up “big and strong” sometimes leave behind that “weak one” who couldn’t defend herself or got trampled. This can show up as a general defensiveness in love and life, or as more prominent self-destructive, self-sabatoging behaviors.

How do I cool off my hot head? The first step to recovery is recognizing you have a problem! Instead of righteous indignation, I learned to label my anger and take note of when my blood is boiling. My favorite tools to cool down include the “take a walk”, “take a time out”, “tap out”, “sleep on it”, “vent without sending” , and the ever faithful: “take it to my therapist”. Most of these are self explanatory. They do require intention and discipline. I used to fire off emails like I was on a shooting range, but now, I will “draft” that email to myself and leave it unsent. You would be surprised how many things do not require a response at all. Calling my character into question? Stealing my work and calling it your own? Passing judgement without knowing my story or qualifications? These are all triggers for this chick to lock and load. Thank God, that in my post-40 year old wisdom, I no longer need to respond to these real-life (and recurring) examples of blood-boiling circumstances. Instead, I take a long, deep breath through my flared nostrils and remind myself that “it’s not about me”. I will chose to pet my dog, hug a kiddo, admire a sunset, or just feel the warm sun on my face in order to ground myself in the truth that I am safe, and don’t always need to defend myself. I get to be weak, vulnerable, naive, unsure, and curious. And so do you, my friend.

A heaping helping of humility with a perspective-taking chaser is a quick remedy for a hot head.

-dr. glenda