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Healing Hermitage

Gestation & Birthing

It has been a very long 17 months since my last update. Instead of a video, I thought I would write my best attempt at a summary of how my Healing Hermitage continued and concluded. I did continue several of the planned healing activities including an amazing mother-daughter trip to Japan in June of 2024 and a retreat for Black West Point Women in September which I conceptualized and planned. When I returned home from Japan, I noticed that what started as jet lag turned into something else entirely. Looking back, it was the start of an energy depletion that would be complicated by perimenopause (which I refer to as “adult puberty”). As a result, I was taken completely offline in some areas of my life and entered into a minimum movement season. Cloistered and content with my solitary sanctuary at home, I went deep into my hermitage.

There were a lot of naps involved. I was gentle with myself during this time as even my physical body started to go into hibernation. My mood was fine and I wasn’t depressed, but I wasn’t my normal self either. I only left the house if I really had to. I felt a pull to withdraw inward like a turtle retreating into its shell. Sadly, I had to cancel several events and activities that I was looking forward to as they required more social interactions than I was up for. But it’s not like I did absolutely nothing. I still worked, raised my kids, even went to several really cool concerts. I saw Usher, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, and even saw the Queen Beyonce in concert! To accommodate my extremely low tolerance for “doing”, I learned to modify my activities to be easy and passive wherever possible. I rested, and I rested, and I rested. I slept, but I woke up exhausted. Maybe it was a lifetime of overwork demanding one more season of payback. I haven’t yet fully come to understand it all. But I am now entering a new season that was created from sheer grit and hundreds of micro-movements to counter the inertia of my hermitage.

In a way, I think my Healing Hermitage was successful. It wasn’t what I planned, and lasted longer than I wanted, but emerging from my shell I found my friends to be right there where I needed them. I found that I could show up to work, do only what needed to be done, and no one would pressure me to do more. I found that the clothes in my closet literally collected dust and I could totally survive on 10-15 rotating fits. I found that my family was gracious and loving to me whether I could do all the things, or only a few things. I found that God was still on the throne of my heart and had carried me every single day that I could barely stay awake more than a few hours at a time. I found healing in a very unexpected way.

So here I am at the start of a new season of life. I have finally birthed my first book after 17 years of gestation! Wedding planning might seem like an unusual genre of writing, but it comes from a deeply personal experience that led me to wonder how I could help couples center their wedding day on their relationship & values in a way they would not regret decades later. It’s a guidebook for couples to create a vision for their nuptials and use that as a True North to inform all their decisions. Now that I’ve created my first book baby, I have two other books that I have been writing on my private social media pages and a few others that are just waiting to be released from ideation eggs to fertilized embryo book proposals. Hopefully organizing my writing and leveraging my networks will lead to securing a literary agent to help bring all of these works to life. I’m excited about the future and sharing the journey with you.

Healing Hermitage

Healing Hermitage March & April Reflections

A Being in the Bubble…

This video is a real-time reflective processing of where I am. Four months into my Healing Hermitage, I am intentionally working to exercise my mental, unconscious, and spiritual abilities to discern. I am also working on allowing creativity to flow without editing in real time. There is a time and a place for editing, revising, and refining…but I tend to overanalyze and refine in real-time. So I am posting this completely unrefined creative communication. It is me “flow talking” for almost 18 minutes about what it is like for me to engage in the world authentically as my integrated, evolving self. Sharing with you with an intention that you are blessed in some way.

Healing Hermitage

Healing Hermitage January & February 2024 Reflections

“Don’t despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin” Zechariah 4:10

This is one of my favorite scriptures. I am taking a risk and doing a new thing. Here is an unscripted reflection on the first two “retreats” of 2024. What do you think? Share your comments and let me know if you want to hear more!

Natural Wonders

Blooming on a short stem?

This morning on my early morning walk, I noticed a few resilient tulip buds. Just a few weeks before delivering my fourth baby, I was intensely nesting and decided to plant over 50 bulbs on an unsightly patch of dirt near the road. I had springtime fantasies of a beautiful field of tulips to greet the cars that often pass too quickly by. Maybe a pop of color would supplement my rainbow boxes and spark joy (and a little letting up on the gas)…

So I went to town with an adapted drill and hand trowel to dig 4-6 inches below a rocky surface panting heavily due to my bulging belly and intolerance to crouching over. The result would be EPIC…but then the construction equipment came. Maybe it was making a K-turn, or perhaps just trying to park off the road…the result was deep tire tracks that I also worried caused many of the bulbs to burst underground from the pressure…

But this morning, I was greeted with two perfectly cupped buds. A striking yellow greeted me with unexpected splendor with its red veins coursing strongly–demanding to be noticed. They were beautiful.

Yet, I noticed that the buds were only a few inches off the ground. This seemed curious and not optimal. I posted my discovery online with a comment ‘I don’t know why they bloomed on such a short stem”. One of my friends mused that this would be a great writing prompt, and here we are.

After nearly two years of launching my consulting business structure, complete with a website of my own, a lot has changed. We are one year into a global pandemic, having survived all manner of political and social unrest. Personally, I have continued to make shifts to allow for increased margin for connection, creativity, and surprises. This has required nothing short of a miracle. We have lost so many, and so much. If we bloom at all, it occurs under stress and shortened stems. Keep pushing through. The whole world awaits our emergence.

Reflections

Dealing with the disappointment of letting yourself down

We all have been there. Things are not going how we had hoped, we have tried to give it our best effort with little to show for it, we really thought things would be better than this, and other forms of disappointment. Some of the most difficult disappointments are the ones I create for myself. What can we do when that judgmental face staring us down is our own?

It’s been a few months since I started this blog as part of a plan to open a window to connect the professional and personal sides of my identity and see where it takes me. On any given day, I have a very long list of expectations of myself and very few items get crossed off. I might be at like a 25% completion rate on average, which may sound totally ridiculous for people who follow my actual activities and accomplishments. Truth is, despite decades of personal work, I can’t seem to stop that part of me that is constantly adding to the list. So I’ve shifted tactics and started working to change how I deal with the list altogether, all while accepting the writer of lists for who she is: an engine of ideas and ambitions who is never responsible for carrying anything out!

Facing down your own disappointment requires courage and compassion. Some of the time it may take a call from a friend who thinks the world of you, or reliving those moments when you are truly being your best self. When I am beating myself up over paying a bill late, forgetting back to school night, not getting all my tasks completed for the day, snapping at my child, or reaching for that second helping of Cherry Garcia–it helps to catch myself and ask, “What would I tell my friend if she was in this situation?” Most of the time, I would be quick to offer a word of encouragement, to help her put things in perspective, to “right size” her so-called failure, and also remind her of all her good qualities. Funny how easy it is to be a friend to others, while being a toxic influence on yourself. So next time when you catch yourself drowning in negative self-talk, think about yourself as friend in need. Write a letter to that friend, or just talk to her in the mirror. I promise you will be better off living a life of abundant grace and mercy than remaining on that throne of judgement.